What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 02:11
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was 9 years of age.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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But, we were locked up after school.
All the time i was locked up.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it wasn’t much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
If white people had been slaves, would WLM be a thing right now?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My family never makes their pension either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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I was very sick at this time too.
It was going to be , some day.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Put me off passion for life!!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I said to her
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i do to all so called friends.?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So, i spoilt her more .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was in good health!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She married twice! .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was scared of men, in general
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I will be 64.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I could never make a relationship work though!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
When she asked me how she looked .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is soul school!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He knew the spot.
Who then, do I blame.?
I write beautiful poetry .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One cannot live in the past .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ive learnt so much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She found it foreign!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I waited trembling.
We were not on the streets..
Would this be the day?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im still living with it.
What did i know ?
She loved him until the end.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So whats the point in blame.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
But ive been too sick for many years..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Was to survive, this bastard.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Comes on , in middle age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I think the readers, may guess!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We all went to grammer schools
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My life is so biszare .
I have no regrets .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I don,t even have a pension.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And i lived it daily.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.